


the words i couldn't say

by rebeccabethstilinski



Series: darling don't be afraid [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Derek, POV Stiles, Pining, Possible Spoiler, Unrequited Love, sort of song!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-28 13:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/674810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebeccabethstilinski/pseuds/rebeccabethstilinski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And now here he was, three years after he first found his home in Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski. The pack researcher, still spastic, more at home in his body, perhaps fifty miles a minute, hopelessly and crushingly in love with the sourest, surliest Alpha of the Beacon Hills werewolf pack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

He knew the first time he saw him he was done for.

(When he was Stiles Stilinksi, the Sheriff's kid, spastic, gangly, a hundred miles a minute, hopelessly crushing on the most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on, trying to suppress the way his eyes lingered on Danny Mahealani in the locker room after lacrosse practice. Before he realised the world was full of more fucked up things than his mom dying way too early or his sexuality crisis, like werewolves and moon cycles and psychotic blonde bitches burning an entire family alive).

He remembers dragging Scott out in his macabre quest to find half of a body, - Laura Hale, a real person, not a gruesome story to try to impress his classmates with, someone who loved and was loved, someone who had friends and a family and hopes and ambitions - then joking about lycanthropy, howling like a puppy, laughing with his best friend for what would be the last time before he knew the truth. Scott's nonchalance about the killer moving the body- "If he did, I hope he left my inhaler! Those things are like eighty bucks." - made Stiles chortle before he caught sight of someone else in the clearing. The feeling of his heart beating so fast, out of his chest, jumping in his throat, is one he'll never forget until the day he dies, the first time he saw him.

Derek Hale.

He held his breath, staring transfixed at the imposing man standing in front of him, standing alone. If you were to ask Stiles, he wouldn't have been able to tell you if Lydia Martin had been walking on her hands naked through the trees. Derek Hale had become everything he could see and everything he could ever hope to see. He fought the urge to take one step closer, just to see him more clearly. Just to hear his voice clearly.

He thought he was in love with strawberry blonde curls and pouty shiny lips. He thought soft curves and hair twirled around fingertips was his type, maybe even tanned skin and blinding smiles with dimples on the lacrosse field.

He never imagined pale skin and bulk in a leather jacket, or heavy eyebrows over beautiful blindingly green eyes. He never imagined looking into a scowling face, and feeling like he was home.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

"Stiles dude, Derek's here, he's getting out of the Camar...oh."

"What happened Scott, you forget how to finish your words again?"

Stiles laughed as he came down the stairs, two at a time. He slid as he reached the bottom and flailed his arms to steady himself, trying not to faceplant onto the hardwood floor.

"No, Stiles, it's just, uh, there's a girl. Getting out the passenger door. With Derek. He opened the door for her."

He swore his heart stopped in his chest. Everything was too much suddenly, too loud, too hot, too tight, why was his chest so tight, why couldn't he get his breath, oh God. Of course. Of course Derek had a girlfriend or a fuck buddy or something (obviously the former if he was bringing her to the pack meeting). His hand grasped for the back of the couch, tears stinging at his eyes. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, tipping his head back and trying to force the tears away, hoping Scott was a good enough friend to ignore his distress. Scott knew how he felt about Derek, obviously, as did the rest of the pack. They were all too perceptive not to know, even Lydia and Allison without werewolf advantages. They all also knew that today, after the pack meeting, Stiles was going to tell Derek how he felt. How he felt like he could do anything and everything when Derek just looked at him with those unfathomable eyes, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his lips. How he could read a line in a book and it would remind him of Derek. How the simplest of lines in a cheesy love song could make him blush and imagine Derek laughing at him, making fun of his music taste.

And now here he was, three years after he first found his home in Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski. The pack researcher, still spastic, more at home in his body, perhaps fifty miles a minute, hopelessly and crushingly in love with the sourest, surliest Alpha of the Beacon Hills werewolf pack. Trying to suppress the current urge he had to collapse to the floor and have his first panic attack since the harpy attack a year and a half ago, when Scott almost died and they couldn't find Derek for days.

"Stiles?"

He dropped his head as Derek stepped into his living room, one eyebrow raised in silent question. _What's wrong?_ He shook his head, forcing a polite smile at the tall brunette wrapped under Derek's arm. She smiled back widely, brushing hair from her eyes with the hand that wasn't grasping Derek's hip. As expected, she was beautiful, in a surprisingly tough way, with high arched eyebrows and lightly tanned skin, long brown hair in loose waves falling around her shoulders. Even with what looked like no makeup on, she was a billion times more attractive than Stiles could ever hope to be. And she had Derek, the one thing Stiles wanted and needed more than he could verbalize.

He zoned back into the conversation as the rest of the pack arrived and made themselves comfortable, leaving two seats empty as they always did - next to Boyd, and next to Lydia.

"Everyone, this is Amy. She's my, uh, we've been dating for a while now. I thought it was time I introduced her."

The room went silent as the warm chatter stopped suddenly. Stiles stared straight ahead, not trusting himself to look at his pack, his family, even as he felt their eyes on him. He felt Isaac shifting on the couch he was still gripping with white knuckles, then a warm hand grasped his, working his fingers from their death grip. He swallowed noisily. Stiles bit his lip, hard, before flipping his palm and intertwining his fingers with Isaac's, aching for comfort from his packmate.

"Uh, that's great, Derek! Hi Amy, I'm Allison, this is Scott. That's Boyd, and the redhead over there is Lydia, uh, that's Isaac with the curls, and then, um, Stiles."

He glanced up at the sound of his name, locking eyes with Allison and hoping the look he gave her could convey _I love you, thank you for this._ She smiled a sad smile at him before looking back to Derek. Everyone was looking at Derek now, everyone except Stiles. He couldn't look at the man he was so absurdly in love with, who he would happily spend a lifetime looking at, as he could feel his heart breaking.

"Hi, uh, Derek said he's like, your group leader or something? That's so awesome that you guys want to better your community, and it's great that Derek's helping you out!"

Stiles couldn't help the way his eyes flickered up to Derek. He was introducing this girl to the pack but he hadn't even told her the truth? How could he possibly be as serious about this person when he couldn't be honest with her and let her see every part of him, everything that made up how incredible he was.

"I'll get the snacks."

He was surprised at how steady his voice sounded, betrayed only by a slight huskiness.

"I'll help. Amy, sit down, next to Isaac maybe?"

Derek smiled at his girlfriend, removing his arm from her shoulders and kissing her cheek softly. Stiles rolled his eyes - _do not cry do not cry do not cry_ \- as he stormed into the kitchen, opening the cupboards, pulling out sharebags of Doritoes and twelve packs of soda. He studiously ignored Derek's presence at the fridge. He made to throw the empty bags in the bin when he felt warm hands wrap around his upper arms to turn him around. He flinched at the contact, folding in on himself.

"Stiles."

He looked up suddenly, meeting Derek's worried eyes. He could feel his eyes were full of tears threatening to overflow, but he just couldn't care anymore. He wanted Derek to know how hurt he was, how he felt like nothing would be good again. How he felt pathetic and unwanted and done. Derek recoiled as if slapped, his eyebrows furrowing together as he stepped back, dropping his hands from Stiles' arms. He could feel wet on his face and he rubbed his eyes furiously with fisted hands, simultaneously embarrassed at himself and vindictively pleased at the hurt expression on Derek's face. He crossed his arms across his chest and stared Derek down.

"What, Derek. What do you _want_ from me?"

He cringed as his voice broke.

"I just, I thought- "

"What, you thought I'd be happy for you? High five you, tell you how hot your little girlfriend is, how I'm proud you finally got over your issues and got back into the real world? You thought I'd be glad. That I'd laugh and joke about how awkward you were when you introduced her to us? Well, guess what Derek. I'm not. I'm so unbelievably not. I'm not happy, not at all."

Derek's nostrils flared, Alpha red creeping into his eyes. Stiles shook his head, tears flying as he laughed once with no humour. He picked up the bowls of chips and cans of soda, glancing back once at the man who had the power to make him unbearably happy or unequivocably heartbroken, before walking back into the living room with light steps. He placed everything on the coffee table before excusing himself from the room, running up the stairs and slamming into his bedroom, bracing himself against the locked door and giving into sobs that wreaked his body, shaking down his arms and legs.

\---------------------------------------------------------

"Stiles."

"Go away, Derek."

He heard the soft _sniiiiiick_ of his bedroom window sliding closed, and then feels the mattress beside his back give a little as Derek sat down. Stiles breathed in deep, scrunching his eyes closed as he prayed that Derek would just leave him alone, go back to his perfect, beautiful girlfriend and his new apartment with it's stupid spiral staircase that Stiles fantasized about pinning Derek against and kissing him.

"Stiles, please. Just tell me what's wrong, tell me what I've done and I promise I'll try to make it up to you. Please, Stiles."

Stiles laughed bitterly. He's had enough. He can't do this any more, not without Derek knowing how he felt about him. He has to tell him.

"Derek, I can't be around you. I can't put myself through seeing you and going to pack meetings and watching you be so happy with Amy. I can't and I won't. Because I am stupidly, idiotically, unbearably in love with you, and you kill me. I have died every single day waiting for you."

The only sound in his suddenly way too small room now was his heavy breathing. He'd done it, he told Derek, and now he'll avoid Stiles forever, why would he want to be around the annoying kid who was, embarrassingly, in love with him.

"Stiles. At least face me. Please."

He rolled over, his eyes still tightly closed. He couldn't deny Derek anything. He never would.

"Open your eyes."

"Please don't make me."

He heard Derek sigh, then what sounded like him rubbing his chin.

"You are the most infuriating, annoying, nosy person I have ever met. You don't understand the meaning of the word 'no', and you protect the pack so, so fiercely. You're unbearably smart and funny, and you were the only one who looked at me and didn't see what happened to my family, you saw me. You're this bright beacon of light that lights up the sky and blinds me and shines over all the things I try so hard to keep hidden. You're undeniable and God, you're so beautiful. You look at me with those eyes and I just lose track of everything, I can't think straight when you're around me. Amy was a distraction from that, because I couldn't keep looking at you and seeing a future with the pack and a home with you, when you didn't feel the same. But, Stiles, God, I love you so fucking much it terrifies me."

He reached up a shaking hand and laid it flat against Derek's cheek, his entire body trembling. Derek loved him. He was in love with Derek and Derek loved him. He knew he had tears streaming down his face, but he was smiling, so wide it almost hurt. He sat up quickly, reaching his left hand up to frame Derek's face, rubbing his thumbs under his closed eyes. Derek let out a shaky breath and opened them, smiling weakly at the boy who had, somehow, become everything he ever wanted. Placing his own larger hands over Stiles' he leaned in slightly, letting Stiles take control of this, to do whatever he wanted. He would give Stiles anything, everything he wanted. Stiles laughed, a touch hysterically, then leaned in carefully, finally pressing his shaking lips against Derek's. He let out a sigh, moving one hand to the back of Derek's neck, running his fingers through the soft hairs there.

Derek groaned, sucking Stiles' bottom lip between his teeth, then running his tongue along it softly, asking to be let in. Stiles opened his mouth, too happy to comply. Derek made a soft sound in the back of his throat as his tongue touched Stiles' before exploring every inch of his mouth, committing this moment to memory, the taste, the feel of Stiles pressed so close against him, trembling. This was the moment he had wished for. The moment he held everything he'd ever wanted in his arms.

\------------------------------------------------------

Derek Hale knew the first time he saw Stiles Stilinski he was done for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy ending yay!  
> so in case it wasn't obvious the entire thing was sort of loosely based on A Thousand Years by Christina Perri  
> also, spoiler tag is because the OFC is based on the actress (allegedly!) playing Derek's love interest this season.  
> also yes a sequel is being written, from Derek's POV  
> this is my second fanfic ever so don't judge me too harshly  
> leave a comment and tell me you hate it or you hate me or i should never write again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Derek, he's trying. You have no idea how many times he's almost told you, just to get it out there, but he knows you. He knows that you tell everyone 'no' when they show any kind of interest in you. He thinks you're out of his league and that scares him. It terrifies him. You've build your walls so high that nobody can climb them, but he's trying. He loves you, you know."
> 
> Lydia was the last to leave.

It never happened how he expected it to happen.

He expected it to happen with Kate. He expected that Kate would be his girlfriend, fiancee, wife. He expected that, when he graduated high school, they would go public with their relationship and he would propose, that they would move in together and have kids. He expected Kate would be it for him.

He bought the ring. She murdered his family, his pack.

He still has the ring.

Derek stopped expecting things.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Don't be such a sourwolf!"

Unsurprisingly, Stiles was unexpected.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stiles was the kind of person Derek hated. Loud, in constant motion, _pretty_. Brave, stupidly brave, almost arrogant about it. He couldn't understand why Stiles would put himself in danger for the pack, not when they could protect themselves so much better than he could. He was soft, human, easily breakable.

It surprised him that he didn't hate Stiles. It surprised him more that Stiles didn't hate him.

Stiles was someone full of life and light. He was someone who saw Derek for Derek, and not his face or his muscles or his dead family. He was completely unafraid to call Derek on his bullshit, and wasn't easily swayed by a glare or growl. He made Derek want to be better, a better Alpha, a better man. And that was terrifying.

Derek realised he was in love with Stiles Stilinski after a year and a half of supernatural battles, a year and a half of pack meetings and movie nights and midnight McDonald's runs in the Camaro.

Stiles was too good for him. Stiles was everything he wanted.

Stiles was everything he could never allow himself to have.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He could feel the emotions in the room almost as if they were tangible, like if he reached out he could grab them in long, swirling tendrils guiding back to the person feeling them. He almost could. The cold wisps of sadness emanating from Isaac and Allison, tangling with the black threads of disappointment from Lydia. The white hot strands of red leading back to Scott and Boyd. The numb darkness from Stiles, hitting him like a slap in the face, a punch in the gut, a knife through the heart.

"Hi, uh, Derek said he's like, your group leader or something? That's so awesome that you guys want to better your community, and it's great that Derek's helping you out!"

Amy's voice cut through Derek's mind. Amy. He didn't even know her last name. All he knew was that she didn't care if he spoke to her or not, she only cared that he was hot, that he would go to her friends' parties with her. All he knew was that she wasn't Stiles and she wasn't pack, and that made her unimportant.

She was a distraction that wasn't distracting enough.

He was willing the pack to believe him, that this girl meant something to him. He was sure they knew how he felt about Stiles. How could they not know? It was Stiles.

Stiles who was (as usual) providing for his pack.

Derek followed him into the kitchen, not understanding why Stiles was upset, why he wouldn't look at him. He stood against the refrigerator, watching as Stiles stormed about, slamming the cupboard doors shut and scrunching up empty chip packs with ferocity, his long fingers curling together. He couldn't help himself from reaching out and turning Stiles to face him, grasping his upper arms and tilting his head down in an attempt to get Stiles to look at him.

"Stiles."

Stiles looked up so quickly it was almost painful. Almost. What was truly painful was seeing Stiles' normally sparkling brown eyes glistening with tears, threatening to overflow onto his pale cheeks. Derek stepped back on reflex, inhaling lowly, feeling like he'd been slapped.

Stiles should never look sad. Stiles was someone who was always there, always on, always bouncing with unbridled enthusiasm.

Every word Stiles threw at him was like a dagger.

Every step he took away from him was like a twist of a knife.

The slamming door of Stiles' bedroom was like trying to breathe through the pain.

Hearing Stiles break down and start crying was the killing blow.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How dare you, Derek. How _fucking_ dare you do that to Stiles!"

He barely registered Scott lunging at him or Allison pulling him back with a cold look in her eyes, or Isaac standing up from the couch when Derek dropped down next to him. Lydia's scowl had no effect on him. It was Boyd's low growl that warned him something was seriously wrong. Boyd, quiet, solid, steady.

"Uh, Derek? I think I might just, y'know, leave? You guys are kind of weird. Call me."

"Just go. He won't be calling you. Consider this your official break-up."

Lydia's cool voice cut through the tension of the room, forcing Derek to look up at her and wonder when she started to read his mind. Amy looked at him, eyes narrowing. Derek shrugged. She was nothing to him, nothing but a convenient denial of his feelings for Stiles.

He didn't notice when she left, or when the rest of his pack started filing out with disbelieveing looks aimed his way.

He wasn't aware of how long he sat on the Stilinski's couch, staring at his hands clasped together, resting his arms on his thighs. Minutes, hours, days. Time was nothing.

"Derek, he's trying. You have no idea how many times he's almost told you, just to get it out there, but he knows you. He knows that you tell everyone 'no' when they show any kind of interest in you. He thinks you're out of his league and that scares him. It _terrifies_ him. You've build your walls so high that nobody can climb them, but he's trying. He loves you, you know."

Lydia was the last to leave.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stiles was the most beautiful person he'd ever known, but it was beneath it all that he became something extraordinary.

Stiles was colour when everything was black and white. Light when everything was darkness. Stiles was  _everything_ he never realised he wanted. Needed.

"...But, Stiles, God, I love you so fucking much it terrifies me."

By the time Derek figures out how his lungs work, Stiles is kissing him softly, his warm hands cupping Derek's face like it's something precious, breakable. Stiles pulls away, resting his forehead against Derek's, his eyes still closed and breathing shakily. His eyes flicker open, and Derek swears he's never seen anything as fucking beautiful in all his life.

He only realises he's said it out loud when Stiles snorts loudly, running his hands through Derek's hair.

"Mirrors don't exist in your world then, no? 'Cause I'm pretty sure you're like the epitome of Greek God and you're secretly all sunshine and hopeless romantic. I love you. I do, I just freakin' love you, dude."

Derek can't help but smile widely, hooking his hands around Stiles' neck and tilting his head down so he can press a kiss to the tip of his nose. Stiles squirms, scrunching his nose up and suddenly pulling at Derek's shirt, yanking him down onto the bed with him and wrapping himself around him like an octopus. Derek sighs indulgently. He slides one hand into Stiles' hair and the other under his soft gray t-shirt, resting it on his warm lower back. Stiles shivers in his arms, and Derek smiles into his hair.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONE.  
> I'm considering making this into a series, maybe little slice of life chapters, from before the confessions and after? Maybe chapters from the POV of members of the pack? Feedback!

**Author's Note:**

> based in pretty much equal parts on "a thousand years" by Christina Perri and "words I couldn't say" by Leighton Meester, in the movie "country strong."  
> so yeah kinda song fic kinda not because I don't really randomly throw lyrics in there.  
> (although ps there may be a line from "beneath your beautiful" by labirinth and emeli sandé in there somewhere, props to whomever spots it!)


End file.
